Sunday, 29 April 2012

Be careful what you wish for...

I wanted nothing but peace.

To be able to spend a weekend without the fear of an argument, bitterness and spite. And I got it. Finally, after an enormous breakthrough last weekend, I have got peace.

Which will be why I've crawled under my rock and am sitting in my room in floods of tears. Excellent. The one thing I didn't allow for is that by removing the fear of impending something, I suddenly exposed just how bitterly lonely I feel. And, ultimately, how empty.

It's a really scary feeling. Chilling.

The temptation to just lurk in here and only come out to work is insanely compelling. And I don't actually know what else to do. There isn't anything. I crave affection now like some crack addled addict and know, given experience, it's the one thing I can't have.

And yet was managing to at least use a substitute in the form of turmoil to fill the chasm.

I know there might be occasions when affection will creep in and light up my insides, but it will be, by definition, a temporary fix, a moment. Leaving the wound open once more to fester and grow.

I really should be more careful what I wish for.

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