Wednesday, 28 March 2012

A last hurrah?

I'm really quite angry. And disappointed.

Not the best way to restart a blog.

But oh, so apt.

I agreed to meet someone. For coffee, before you get any weird ideas. The simple fact was he had been moderately nice, moderately intelligent and hadn't nagged me to meet. Quite the bonus. Sadly, I was running a little late, about half an hour and I, rather foolishly, told him so.


So he said maybe next time.

Err, sorry? This was for a coffee. At the end of a work day. Near his workplace. I had to travel an hour from mine. And change. And get there. And yet he was the one giving the impression of being put out?!

Apparently he thought I would be too rushed. Excellent. So now I don't know my own time keeping. A feeble excuse and it reminded me that the normal rules don't apply for me. If it had been my flatmate, or any other, dare I say it, any other girl, this would not have been an issue. He would have waited.

So here I am again, wondering what the hell I was thinking. Yet again my confidence had been given a huge kick to the head. Yet again I felt let down. Yet again I was left with this yearning chasm of loneliness. A chasm that can't be filled.

But, I wondered, what do I really want. In the end it was pretty simple. I want to be respected, desired and given some consideration. To feel that I really matter to someone and that I will be first on a list rather than 47th and dropped as soon as something more interesting comes along. I want to have some one make an effort for me, not the other way around.

And yet as I write this, I realise I might as well want the tide to stop. It's not happened before, though I thought it had, why the hell should it happen now as I pass through the autumn of my life.

It's a depressing thought that I may never feel genuine desire again. Or passion. But the sooner I grow up and accept that it's over and I move on to less destructive thoughts the better.

I just don't want to.

I want to feel the glow of the sun once more.

And not the rain currently falling down my face.

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