Monday, 17 September 2012

Eyes wide shut

I realised earlier tonight, by earlier I mean around 00:35am, that I'm an idiot. An idiot that should just accept that things have died, and that it should be time to move on. If only that were possible. I also realised just how much of an idiot I was for saying some things in the last few days I really shouldn't have said, I should have listened to my my inner voice that said I should keep my mouth shut. Needless to say I won't write here what the things were, or the context.

Which begs the question of why I'm writing this.

It's simple. I want to mark the moment. I want to remember when I decided to just stop. You see I've realised that hope is corrosive when taken in the blinding light of reality. And given what I see with my eyes wide open, it was also false hope. The glowing deceptive heart of a morphing collection of little white lies that give each other away.

I even understand why the lies are made. But would prefer honesty. Honesty might sting, but it doesn't hurt. It doesn't corrode. It saves a lot of trouble. It saves disappointment.

I would like to talk about this. But I won't. It would be one final, pointless, humiliation.

The irony is that we ultimately wanted the same thing, with the same rules and boundaries. Unfortunately, there needs to be mutual interest too.

So what happens now? Well, nothing. No drama, no anything. I simply withdraw and every time I'm tempted otherwise I need to look at these words and remind myself that further humiliation really isn't sensible. A friendship is worth far, far more.

I shall simply accept, exist, place my thoughts in a box.

And keep my eyes wide shut.

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